I don’t know if this is the right place to post but fuck it.
I deleted facebook and yet I’m not safe from their surveiilance because all my friends have facebook. I turn off my phone’s location data, disabled all phone apps including system apps, from having access to my location data, and yet somehow my phone is still turning my location on.
I don’t even feel safe using Signal, which many of my closest friends have been kind enough to oblige me by using for my sake. For all I know Samsung has got some kind of logger in the keyboard software, or the display/rendering firmware, that means anything I send will be seen anyway.
I can’t NOT use a smartphone, because it means I have to then use SMS messaging, which isn’t even encrypted.
People I love use google photos to organise their photos, including pics of me. My very FACE is with google and I have not consented to it, and can’t ever change that.
I am doing my best to update my privacy online (eg I use startpage and firefox, have a VPN, and have downloaded Tails and Linux Mint debian and am getting to grips with them)… but I don’t trust anything anymore. I can’t trust that my VPN hasn’t got those encrypted backdoors in it now, I can’t trust that my very computer doesn’t have something in the bios that any operating sytem has to load on. What’s the point?
I feel hopeless, depressed, destroyed. It’s at the point where I almost wish I lived 50 years ago. Literally, I can’t choose a preference between having almost no rights as a woman, worse health options, worse education options, and living in an Australia that was 20 years behind the world, versus living in a fucking surveillance state.
I have depression, anxiety, adhd, ptsd, and so on, and while I am being treated for these, I don’t feel comfortable speaking about this feeling to a counsellor, as I am worried they will just think I’m being paranoid. Either they’ll dismiss my concerns or, worse, they will think it is a sign of more serious illness.
My local member of parliament is a brainless party slave who I know won’t listen to a single concern I bring up; the area I live in is incredibly complacent. If I thought there were hope, I would brave past my fear to go and talk to them, but I feel too assured of their contempt to feel it’s worth it. Nothing feels worth it.
I’m so broke I can’t even contribute to any EFF fund or anything like that.
My data can be logged, packaged, and sold off to anyone, and the government isn’t going to give enough of a shit to regulate against it. God knows what has been put on my system already.
Smart cities are only a matter of time, surveillance and facial recognition have already been upped in my city.
I feel sold, helpless, and utterly fucked. All I want to do is run away and yet if I leave society and go and live off the land, a) I live in Australia and my adhd is so bad that despite my interest in homesteading and survival skills, I haven’t been able to concentrate on learning them, I’d be dead in a week, b) I need money because I need therapy, a way to get to therapy and medical help, life-saving drugs, and thus a place to live that is near all those things, c) withdrawing from society is exactly the sort of thing you shouldn’t do when you have mental health issues.
I feel so out of control, I wish there was something I could DO to fix my situation. I’m working on managing my issues and have made several breakthroughs recently in managing the parts of them connected to my childhood trauma. But not having a sense of control is making my existing anxiety and depression worse, and it’s why I believe most depression and anxiety exists: we are all so far removed from actual production of things that matter to our survival that we don’t have any control over them. And how can you feel secure in your life without control?
I am dependent on society and yet it is going to kill me. It’s just like participating in this complete trainwreck that you know is going to end horribly.
I hate myself for this dependence. I’d like to believe I am a fighter but when I feel there is no point in fighting, I can’t do it for the sake of it. I feel like a hypocrite for caring about this so much and yet not doing anything more–yet I can’t bring myself to waste precious effort on anything when the outcome might not be worth it.
I used to believe in Stoicism as the answer to calming down: but Stoicism doesn’t fight injustice, it just lets things happen.
If anyone has any encouragement, words, suggestions, advice, commiserations, etc, I’d appreciate it.